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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I just never got around to it.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

I went to a seafood disco restaurant last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well. I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

I feel so much better since I lost hope.

It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.

If voting could really change anything, it would be illegal.

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly. The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck on your fly!"
And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me nuts!"

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer."
The bartender says, "You can have a beer, but I don't want you starting anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?"
The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"
The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; Then it hit me.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

You can lead a man to knowledge but you can't make him think.